Why Can’t I Relax? The Real Reason Your Body Won’t Let Go
by Char
|
Feb 28, 2026
If you’ve been thinking:
Why can’t I relax?
Why can’t I relax my body even when I try?
I feel like I can’t relax no matter what I do.
The short answer is this:
Your nervous system does not yet believe it is safe enough to soften.
Relaxation is a biological state. It doesn't work on command. So, when your body stays tense despite your effort, it isn’t because you're being stubborn. It is protective. 🛡️
And protection always wins over intention.
Why “Just Relax” Doesn’t Work
There’s an assumption hidden inside the phrase “just relax.”
It assumes tension is voluntary.
It assumes softness is a decision.
It assumes your body listens to language.
But muscular bracing is coordinated by subcortical brain structures, particularly the amygdala and autonomic pathways, which respond to perceived threat before conscious thought has time to interpret anything.
Research by Joseph LeDoux demonstrated that sensory information can reach the amygdala via a “low road” pathway before the cortex processes it.
Translation?
Your body prepares for impact before you even know what’s happening. ⚡
So when you think, “Why can’t I ever relax?”, it may be because your system has already chosen vigilance over softness. And that choice happened faster than language.
What Bracing Actually Is (And Why It Feels So Subtle)
Bracing doesn't have to always be dramatic. It’s often quiet:
A lifted ribcage
A tight jaw
A subtle co-contraction around the hips
Breath hovering high in the chest
From a motor control perspective, bracing involves simultaneous activation of opposing muscle groups. This increases stability, but reduces fluidity. Stability feels safer to the nervous system than openness.
Especially in public.
Especially when being seen.
Especially when evaluated.
Over time, this becomes your baseline tone. So when you say, “I can’t relax my body,” what you may be attempting to release isn’t a temporary contraction. You’re trying to negotiate with a pattern your muscles have memorized over a long time.
Why Awareness Doesn’t Automatically Create Softness
Many intelligent, perceptive, and self-aware women feel confused.
You understand trauma.
You know about nervous system regulation.
You may have even read about polyvagal theory.
Yet in the moment… your body stays tense. And you associate it with failure, even though it's not.
Cognitive awareness lives in cortical networks. Meanwhile, bracing is coordinated through autonomic circuits.
The two systems operate on different timelines.
According to Stephen Porges, autonomic states shift based on cues of safety or danger. And that's often outside conscious awareness.
You can know you’re safe and still experience sympathetic activation.
Information does not override physiology. Physiology must experience safety directly, through repetition and lived experience. That’s why awareness alone doesn’t dissolve tension.
Why Relaxing Can Actually Feel Unsafe
If bracing has protected you in the past, relaxation can feel like exposure.
If openness once led to embarrassment…
If softness once led to criticism…
If enthusiasm once led to subtle dismissal…
Your system learnt. The body tracks outcomes, and in those cases, relaxation may register as lowering armor. This is why sometimes, when you try to soften, you feel more anxious. Simply because your nervous system is intelligent: it remembers and adapt. 🧠
How to Relax in Public (Without Forcing It)
One of the common searches around this topic is:
How to relax in public.
Most advice says:
Take a deep breath
Drop your shoulders
Think positive thoughts
That rarely works long-term.
Instead, try this three-step approach:
1️⃣ Name the Predicted Threat
Silently ask:
What is my body preparing for?
Embarrassment?
Rejection?
Being misunderstood?
When the predicted outcome becomes explicit, it often loses intensity.
2️⃣ Shift by Two Percent
Not full relaxation.
Just two percent softer.
Slightly lengthen your exhale
Unclench your jaw 5%
Let your peripheral vision widen
Small shifts feel safer than dramatic ones.
3️⃣ Anchor in Sensory Reality
Ask:
What can I physically feel right now?
The floor under your feet
Fabric against your skin
Air on your arms
Interoception grounds the nervous system more effectively than positive thinking.
The Cost of Chronic Micro-Bracing
When tension becomes baseline, it affects:
Breathing patterns
Emotional nuance
Energy levels
Facial expression
Social perception
Restricted diaphragmatic breathing correlates with increased sympathetic tone.
Which means:
The way you hold your ribs may reinforce the very state you’re trying to leave.
Chronic bracing also dulls interoception (your ability to accurately sense internal states).
So, you may feel “on,” but not fully present. Capable, but not fluid.
What Actually Changes Chronic Tension
Here’s a brutally honest answer. One deep breath doesn’t rewire years of protective patterning.
Neuroplasticity research (including work by Daniel J. Siegel) suggests durable change requires repeated pairing of new states with safety over time.
That means:
Softness must occur
in visibility
without negative consequences
repeatedly
Your body updates based on lived experience, not insight alone.
Which is why people who say, “I understand everything but I still can’t relax,” are often missing repeated embodied evidence.
A Different Entry Point For You
Instead of asking yourself: “Why can’t I relax?”
Try asking: "What would need to feel true in my body for relaxation to make sense?"
And for it to be efficient, you'll need to be extremely honest with yourself. What is it that your body needs:
Safety?
Support?
Permission?
Slowness?
Unfortunately, you cannot impose relaxation to your body. It’s something your system allows. 🌿
If You Take Only One Thing From This Article
When you think:
I can’t relax.
It likely means that your body is protecting you in a way that once made sense.
The path forward isn’t force. It’s gradual evidence.
Two percent softer.
Repeatedly.
In safe-enough conditions.
Over time, softness stops feeling like risk.
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